How hard is relationship work ? / Not taking care of your heart

March 18, 2007 at 6:35 am (abstracting, disconnecting, learning to listen, relationship work, taking care of yr heart)

Again and again through my actions I am subject to reminding myself: How hard is relationship work, or whAT?? How many *stuck* roles do I stay myself in all small and quiet? How often is authenticity blocked by old forgotten but learned doubt and disconnection? What are those tiny limits I have gotten used to keeping myself in?

Yeah I am always amazed about how many assumptions I make in my relationship with my partner Nenil* (psuedonym). There is somewhere in me an old and heavy and somehow still seductive tendency to invent a story in place of actual listening.

There has been a lot of work for me lately about my 20+years of disconnecting into abstractions, and I am really just starting to catch on to a pattern of noticing this, as it would sometimes seem that I detach from what is going on in front of my face, who knows really, maybe hundreds of times through the day (on a bad day).

Here’s what has become painfully obvious to me through the last month of accepting the malaise and distraction of February instead of resisting it:

Nothing really works out or means too much of anything if you’re not taking care of your own heart.

Yess.

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Abstraction abstraction abstraction detach

March 18, 2007 at 6:12 am (abstracting, disconnecting)

Life …ends up being mostly unexplainable? …comes up breathtaking? ….arrives stunning and vividly spectacular? …cascades from important details? …is painful and heart wrenching? …goes most easily neglected right in front of my face? ..moves too fast? …requires a lot of work? …gets all tangled up dealing with inner (and outer) obstacles? …is precious and all arrives only to this moment? …keeps unfolding through new feelings into complex situations? …mostly confuses me…? …Is explained through a lot of abstractions? …Carries frozen unfaced trauma upon each moment, solidified, goes unseen, I detach?

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