Again and again through my actions I am subject to reminding myself: How hard is relationship work, or whAT?? How many *stuck* roles do I stay myself in all small and quiet? How often is authenticity blocked by old forgotten but learned doubt and disconnection? What are those tiny limits I have gotten used to keeping myself in?
Yeah I am always amazed about how many assumptions I make in my relationship with my partner Nenil* (psuedonym). There is somewhere in me an old and heavy and somehow still seductive tendency to invent a story in place of actual listening.
There has been a lot of work for me lately about my 20+years of disconnecting into abstractions, and I am really just starting to catch on to a pattern of noticing this, as it would sometimes seem that I detach from what is going on in front of my face, who knows really, maybe hundreds of times through the day (on a bad day).
Here’s what has become painfully obvious to me through the last month of accepting the malaise and distraction of February instead of resisting it:
Nothing really works out or means too much of anything if you’re not taking care of your own heart.