The future may look bad, but at least it is ours.
I.
A convincing image of communication / de t a c h / where there are patterns /
in place of saying / something real.
.
.
It dates back;
A sad lineage after sad lineage after sad lineage of those who never allowed themselves
the pleasure of free reign, like cultural mantras: to (the) end (we hold) the rigidity of
our own verbal and corporal
dramas!
.
.
At least we have this; we say that because this drama is ours:
I mean to say, no one else is imagining this to such intimacy and detail except for you and me.
.
.
You found us where we ate / Is it a memory? / Or observing a pattern?
You saw us eat here? Was it soup?
Were we dreaming?
What would you have wanted to eat?
I said we were eating from teetering and content hearts.
.
I said one day we sat submerged to bathe in shades scribbled in with grace,
putting to the world lines, rich to our eyes, colors peeking from beneath; Rays of
orange, and yellow went first both later buried to thick grainy lines sprouting purple,
brown and green: a landscape is
Remembering;
.
.
“Your hand your wrist on my arm / swaying a slow elbow / crooked a bit in dizzy breath.
Two skin tones in the dark distinguish our bodies / Are we communicating / is fleeting
and cause from heart to cheeks, are we fruit trees standing against the sunshine?
We blushed.”
.
.
Our fingertips slow to caress, arms jut and leaves shade umbilicaly dangling gifts.
With hunger we reach up / are the branches open / in this tree?
We would wonder about the fruit: Are they content? Their animated flesh full of seed
and juice / their touch deliciously cold and smooth:
Are they growing up while dropping down like on a string?
Light green by day / pale blue by moon light
As if they are waiting for us, we reach–
.
.
.
II.
But between you, and me and between the whole grove of chismoso mango trees;
Was it realy listening? Did anyone enter or did we allow each other in?
Did we go where we said we would go? To find it somewhere and
decide together where we wanted
to grow?
.
.
Darling (as if without inhibitions and just a sultry whisper loaded and protected under
a knitted slew of secrets between us!)
Do we want to share ourselves with each other so close to what hurts this tender?
Are we nourshing soil enough from within ourselves / for planting and growing /
for growing or sustaining work made love?
.
.
After seasoning through quiet storm / I am imagining / roots that hold a place for us,
We decided too feed ourselves? / Meals came from? and springing from / I said that I
don’t care if our shit is the most richly composted and beautiful dirt /
but will we grow a little in just
a little earth?
“Valorar el talento de los autores evita que tus personajes se callen”
I’m not always so quiet and withdrawn, but in some group gatherings I do stay shut up more than what folks are usually comfortable with. I do want to love bigger and laugh more, and reach a point of overcoming the learned rigidity of my body, but I also savor long moments of silence and don’t think it’s necessary to have a response to everything.
I went to a huichol based and led ceremony on Saturday night and during the first half of the night, I almost didn’t speak, and a couple folks I had just met observed how quiet I am. During the meditation, I saw with unusual lucidity reasons why I stay quiet so often. Today I tried to remember those reasons and I have tried to reproduce them here. Maybe this post is just self-indulgent, but it maps a lot of my personal experiences 
REASONS WHY I STAY SHUT UP
I am listening and thinking deeply about what is being said because I care about what is being said
Because what is going on in front of me is in Spanish and my thoughts are still running in English
I just enjoy listening and observing
Because it takes me a long time to let people in and open up
Because I’m worried about something else
Because I’m being self absorbed
I don’t understand why what is being said is being said
I dont agree with what is being said and i’m not sure how to respond
I dont have too much to say
I am full of arrogance-presumptions-assumptions-
I disconnected, I am daydreaming
I don’t like what you are saying or it is painful so I detached from you and what you are saying
I think you’re saying something stupid and i just dont feel like giving you any kind of response
Because I’m intimidated
Because I’m impressed
Because I’ve put you above me like some idol
Because I was arrogant and just blew you off
Because of a long history of disconnections, its easy, and predictable and safe
Because of self sabatoge, hesitation and because I doubt myself as to the authenticity of who I am, what I feel, and what I think
Because I already have had this conversation too many times and I never like where it goes
Because I’m tired
Because I’m hungry
Because I save my words
Because I’m trying to listen
Because I’m mad and I’m struggling to express it
You’re from Argentine-Spain-Guatemala-Tampico-Sonora-Chiapas-etc, and I only really understand thoroughly a Chilango accent
Because boy gender people talk too much too often and take up too much space
Because I don’t know you and you don’t me, and I might not say shit about what I am thinking until I decide its worth it to open up and reveal something about myself to you
¿Como empieces a contar la historia tuya del auto-sabotaje?
No fue repentinamente:
Me encuentro
Que doy valor a las ideas mias que no vale tanto.
Algunas veces me dijo: “Te ciegas a las cosas más bonitas que lleves“
Y recuerdo.
Going a little farther beyond What Already Is?
There is a lot still to say about healthy communication,
And about no longer hiding the feeling behind getting mad.
Yeah? Are you loving bigger for You and…?
Or Is it old us weighing ourselves down
Carrying on,
Old patterns then?
…
Thankfully it Is Children
Who know the most,
And they
Keep on growing up imagining worlds
Far beyond what already
Is.
How hard is relationship work ? / Not taking care of your heart
Again and again through my actions I am subject to reminding myself: How hard is relationship work, or whAT?? How many *stuck* roles do I stay myself in all small and quiet? How often is authenticity blocked by old forgotten but learned doubt and disconnection? What are those tiny limits I have gotten used to keeping myself in?
Yeah I am always amazed about how many assumptions I make in my relationship with my partner Nenil* (psuedonym). There is somewhere in me an old and heavy and somehow still seductive tendency to invent a story in place of actual listening.
There has been a lot of work for me lately about my 20+years of disconnecting into abstractions, and I am really just starting to catch on to a pattern of noticing this, as it would sometimes seem that I detach from what is going on in front of my face, who knows really, maybe hundreds of times through the day (on a bad day).
Here’s what has become painfully obvious to me through the last month of accepting the malaise and distraction of February instead of resisting it:
Nothing really works out or means too much of anything if you’re not taking care of your own heart.
Yess.
