A River and its Grammar

I’m not always so quiet and withdrawn, but in some group gatherings I do stay shut up more than what folks are usually comfortable with. I do want to love bigger and laugh more, and reach a point of overcoming the learned rigidity of my body, but I also savor long moments of silence and don’t think it’s necessary to have a response to everything.

I went to a huichol based and led ceremony on Saturday night and during the first half of the night, I almost didn’t speak, and a couple folks I had just met observed how quiet I am. During the meditation, I saw with unusual lucidity reasons why I stay quiet so often. Today I tried to remember those reasons and I have tried to reproduce them here.  Maybe this post is just self-indulgent, but it maps a lot of my personal experiences

REASONS WHY I STAY SHUT UP

I am listening and thinking deeply about what is being said because I care about what is being said

Because what is going on in front of me is in Spanish and my thoughts are still running in English

I just enjoy listening and observing

Because it takes me a long time to let people in and open up

Because I’m worried about something else

Because I’m being self absorbed

I don’t understand why what is being said is being said

I dont agree with what is being said and i’m not sure how to respond

I dont have too much to say

I am full of arrogance-presumptions-assumptions-

I disconnected, I am daydreaming

I don’t like what you are saying or it is painful so I detached from you and what you are saying

I think you’re saying something stupid and i just dont feel like giving you any kind of response

Because I’m intimidated

Because I’m impressed

Because I’ve put you above me like some idol

Because I was arrogant and just blew you off

Because of a long history of disconnections, its easy, and predictable and safe

Because of self sabatoge, hesitation and because I doubt myself as to the authenticity of who I am, what I feel, and what I think

Because I already have had this conversation too many times and I never like where it goes

Because I’m tired

Because I’m hungry

Because I save my words

Because I’m trying to listen

Because I’m mad and I’m struggling to express it

You’re from Argentine-Spain-Guatemala-Tampico-Sonora-Chiapas-etc, and I only really understand thoroughly a Chilango accent

Because boy gender people talk too much too often and take up too much space

Because I don’t know you and you don’t me, and I might not say shit about what I am thinking until I decide its worth it to open up and reveal something about myself to you